Two Weeks

It was two weeks ago today my world as I knew it began to unravel. I can't believe it's been that long. Today is a halfway decent day. J and I are doing lots of talking...really good talking, too. The other day during an um, intimate moment....lol....we looked at each other. I mean really looked at each other, and we both commented how it seemed like it was the very first time we totally had our guards down. I saw a real, genuine reaction out of J. He closed his eyes, let out a big sigh and said "and it feels so good - finally." That really touched me. It was just so real.

We have a really long road ahead of us. But right now, in this moment.....it feels so good. So real. We seem to be connecting and acting like we should have in the beginning of our relationship. Instead I worried far too much about being right, acting right....being perfect...being not my mother. He worried too much about drawing boundaries and protecting freemasonry from me, even though I was never a threat to it.

Force Majeure

force ma·jeure - (fôrs' mä-zhûr', fōrs') n.

1. Superior or overpowering force.
2. An unexpected or uncontrollable event.

Pain is kind of a funny thing sometimes. It seems to take on a life of its own.

If you've never experienced a spouse's infidelity - let me try to explain the pain. Remember the last time you hurt yourself - really hurt yourself. I'm talking seeing stars, immediately drop-you-to-your-knees blinding pain. Multiply that times, oh, a million. With that kind of pain, it eventually goes away. It either fades on its own in a little while, or you go to the ER to get something sewn back on. But the pain of infidelity isn't like that. It's pervasive. It's persistent. It's there everywhere you go, 24/7. It whispers to my subconscious while I'm asleep. Even that isn't an escape for me. Well - sometimes it is.

Yesterday was hard. It was hard to have J out of town - he goes again this weekend too, to a different place. Me wanting him to quit that side body didn't go well - the pain of everything built up and overflowed. I slapped him on his arm, pounded on his chest, cried and sobbed uncontrollably. "Why can't you be the man you said you were?!" He held my face in his hands, leaned his forehead on mine and said "I am that man, I just made a mistake." He held me as I sobbed. One step at a time. I need to quit fixating on making him pay. It's taking too much energy, I need my energy to focus on me - to heal. I know it hurts him to see me in so much pain. I talk to him about it often. Maybe that's payment enough....for now. Maybe the price he ends up paying won't be up to me. The universe is a funny place - who knows how this will end up.

Despite everything, I still love this man more than I've loved any other. We've made a huge mess out of our marriage - and it took us 7 years to figure that out. 7 years....the marriage counselor we were seeing the first time said that it's very common for couples to have trouble around the 7 year mark. I thought we had gotten through the worst of it. Never in a million years did I imagine I'd be dealing with this. I suspected it for quite some time, but thought I was just being insecure as usual. Never again will I be so arrogant as to think J or I are above cheating. I was a fool. We all have basic emotional needs that need to be met by our spouses. When they aren't being met, we'll search elsewhere. Most of the time it doesn't even happen consciously, we just become attracted to someone, maybe start confiding in them. Or they stroke our ego and give us attention our spouse doesn't. This is what happened with J. It doesn't make his choice right, but I inadvertently backed him into that corner. He talked to me - a lot. I couldn't hear him. I didn't want to hear him. I was expending so much energy trying to be a "good" wife I literally had nothing more to give. I was resentful that he dared ask anything else of me. I realize now that was the wrong attitude to have. It was taxing to me, to our marriage, and our beautiful boys. Believe it or not, being who I am takes much less energy. I have more to give to J and still have plenty left over for me. I'm drained with all we have going on, but I still have reserves left over. At least right now. Yesterday I begged God to please let me die because I couldn't take the pain anymore. I haven't been in that place for many years. I hate that place. It scares me.

Yesterday was a release for me. Kind of like a pressure cooker - it builds up and needs a release. Sometimes I liken it to a deep wound - it needs to heal from the inside out, and the process is long.

I feel more hopeful right now. The pain is less palpable, though still there. I feel stronger and more confident that we can work through this. He's apologized about a million times, told me he loves me a million more than that. My gut tells me to believe him. I do. He's trying really hard. He hurts too, I can see it. Deep regret, sorrow....maybe some grief of his own. He's a man though - not real expressive with his emotions beyond just a few words. But I see it in his eyes when he looks at me. He feels terrible.

Please God, let us make it through this.

Dog-Paddling and Drowning

...that's kind of how it feels. Some moments I'm dog-paddling and just barely holding my head above water to catch a few breaths of fresh air. Other times I feel like I'm drowning in pain. I'm now at extremely high risk of my depression coming back with a vengeance. You son of a b*tch. I worked my entire life to get where I am, only to have you piss it away. I haven't needed medications for ten years. TEN YEARS. That's a miracle to me. I thought I would live the remainder of my days on antidepressants. I say that with pride and incredulosity. Is that a word? It is now.

This person inside me that's been awoken...she feels odd to me. A little like seeing a friend that you haven't seen in a long time. She's familiar, you know her face...but do you really know her? I like her, want her to stay. But what a price to pay for her appearance.

I still have random thoughts. Will J have masonic charges brought against him? It's conceivable. It would get him kicked out of masonry, something that's been part of his life since he was 15. Masonry specifically has a rule about having "illicit affairs" with the sister, wife, or widow of a fellow mason. Girlfriend isn't named specifically. Seems like that's part of the spirit of that rule though. Part of me hopes he does. So far not only has he not lost anything - life has gotten better for him, I think! Sex between us is intense, satisfying. She sometimes creeps into my thoughts as we make love, though. Did he talk about doing this with her? Did he imagine touching her that way? We've been texting while he's been gone, too. Cyber-sex. It's fun, but the tone of his texts is different. She's influenced him. It gnaws at my stomach. Makes my mind go in places I don't want it to. I haven't asked him about the content of their texts - I don't want to know. He did mention one - he and I were arguing over text (can you believe that stupidity), in the middle of it she randomly texted "I just got done masturbating and thinking of you - I just wanted you to know." I wanted to die. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to vomit and then die. I wanted to smack him upside the head.

I've been angry while he's been away. I'm here picking up the pieces as best I can - life has gone on as normal for him. I kept thinking this isn't right - there has to be a price for him to pay, especially if the boyfriend doesn't bring masonic charges against J. There's a side-body that he's a member of that's been a real thorn in the side of our marriage. In my mind it's counter-intuitive to what freemasonry is about, this group is about "mirth is king." He joined it against my wishes, kept his intentions from me until it was too late and he was in. There have been vague rumors of prostitution at their events (not at his, but in other states), I've seen pictures of members half-naked at initiation parties. They hole up in hotels to drink and gamble. I've always hated it. This seems to be precious to him. I texted him yesterday and informed him that I don't want him going out with other couples without me, and I want him to withdraw from this group. He didn't want to discuss it over text. I'm sure he'll fight me on it. When I decided to let him stay, I told him that he was going to play by my rules now. He was going to be miserable until I decided he was done, I was going to watch him like a hawk, ask him as many questions as I saw fit and expected immediate, honest answers without attitude. This is part of the price he has to pay, and I'll feel satisfied by it. I do not trust this group even though he swears none of the rumors are true. I didn't trust my gut when I suspected something was going on with him, and look where it got me? I have to continue to trust it, it's all I've got. He also doesn't have the right to decide what's fair and what isn't for him, as far as I'm concerned. These are MY rules buddy. You know where the door is if you don't like it. You're under house arrest. I'm judge, jury, and executioner.

We have an appointment with a marriage counselor on the 24th. He's going willingly. I've been reading a wonderful site called marriagebuilders.com. Reading the extensive info on infidelity has helped quite a bit, along with blogging. I do believe he loves me. I believe he wants to make it work. I also believe he doesn't know how not to be selfish, and assuming he continues to be a willing participant, this is going to be a long road.

Please don't fight me on this, J. I need you to do this. I don't have the strength for another fight.

Raw

That's how I feel today. Just....raw. I think so many emotions are trying to bubble up to the top all at once it's left me overwhelmed. Drained. Confused. Can I trust him? Should I trust him? Do I even want to? Sometimes I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm living my life, but I feel like I'm watching somebody else do it. I'm living a facade. How are you today? I smile and say "fine." I'm not fine. Tears are just beneath the surface. Look at me cross-eyed and they might spring forth. J feels foreign to me too. He's familiar, but a stranger. I know every inch of his body, and yet I don't know him at all. I thought I did. I had two beautiful children with this stranger. That makes me sad. How did I get here? When did I decide it was better to squash who I really was? When did I decide that the real Heather wasn't good enough for J? I cheated him, I cheated myself. He did the same. What a mess. I'm so sad. Sad we got so far away from what we intended. Sad that we screwed up so bad. Sad that he betrayed me.

Why did I let him stay? A lot of reasons. Sometimes I wonder why I let him stay too. But somehow the fact that they didn't actually have any sort of physical sexual contact makes a difference. That and she's hundreds of miles away. I think the fact that he chose someone like that says something. If he was trying to end our marriage, he would have chosen someone locally. Sometimes I think this was a wake-up call from God: "You're off track and haven't seen the signs, you haven't listened to your instincts. Look what could happen if you don't open your eyes." It's not right. He never should have done it. But it's done. I'm sure he has feelings about this too. He's expressed regret, remorse, guilt, shame. It's still not the same hell I'm living. His world hasn't been completely turned upside down.

He's out of town right now. An event for one of the side-bodies he's a member of. Six hours away. Might as well be a lifetime. Forever. I miss him. On the one hand it's good...gives me a chance to examine my thoughts and feelings in privacy. On the other....what is he doing? Technically he could be doing anything and I'd never know. That scares me. Makes me feel vulnerable. Do I believe he's not doing anything he shouldn't be? Can I believe that? Should I? I don't know. I mean honestly I know that I could very well feel this way with anybody. There's no guarantee with anybody that they won't cheat. I guess that's the other reason I've let him stay - there's no guarantees with anybody. And oh yeah - I'm still in love with him. Right or wrong, I am. He's the father of my children. Sometimes I look at him and see that he's a good man that just made a bad choice. Very bad choice. Everybody makes mistakes. It was an unfortunate circumstance, this whole thing. I want to get past this. I don't want to resent either of them forever. It takes far too much energy and will just eat me alive. Hating them won't benefit anybody, least of all, me.

But I hurt. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt such deep pain. Was it when David, my ex, lashed out at me for months for breaking up with him? It felt like deep pain at the time, but I've since moved on. I have the memories, but no scar on my soul. He was just pathetic. I feel sorry for him, really. This feels different. Maybe it was August 1999 since I last hurt this bad. The day I realized I had to be away from my parents forever. It's a long and ugly story. One I don't want to get into - it's not the point of this blog. It was the hardest and most painful decision of my life - bar none. It was also the best decision I've ever made. It's why I was able to recover from my depression and become the highly functioning woman I am today. I'm still in the middle of this though - still surrounded by the pain. Somewhere in the distance I can see the lesson I'll learn from this, and feel like I'm learning it now. Leaving my parents was excruciating for years. It still stings sometimes. All the other hurt combined I've experienced in life doesn't compare to how I feel about J's cheating, except to that. That's how big this is. It's a loss, like that was. I lost trust, faith in J, in the vows of marriage and in the obligations of freemasonry. Maybe a loss of innocence too. At 37 years of age I still had some innocence about me. Some naievety. Funny. I guess the little girl in me still believed in happily ever after. I don't want to believe that doesn't exist - happily ever after. The day I married J, I intended it to be the only time I got married. For better or worse. This is the worse, when do we get the better? I'm lost. I was given no skills to deal with something like this, to have a healthy marriage. I'm stumbling around in the dark, blindly, hoping I come across the right answer.

There has to be a better way.

The Downturn

.....more emotions, more thoughts. Rational or not, they are what they are. Shame. Grief. So much grief. I don't feel like I can adequately describe how much pain I'm in. This has touched my soul. Do you understand the significance of that, J? Your actions have forever changed me. Yes to some degree, I benefitted from that change. But the pain. Oh my God, the pain. Few things in life shake you to the core of your being and leave their indelible mark on your soul forever. This is one of them. I will always carry this with me. Forever.

I'm so angry at you sometimes. You lost next to nothing. You should lose everything. You got your jollies for a while, got screamed at, life is moving on for you. I can't breathe. I have anxiety attacks. I've developed insomnia. I'm exhausted and wake in the middle of the night, toss and turn for hours, only to fall back to sleep shortly before the boys wake up for the day. I hate you. I love you. You're such a bastard. I know I'm not perfect, but I didn't deserve this. Nobody deserves to have their heart ripped out and stomped on like this. You gave moments of my life - our life together - to her. You had no right. They weren't yours to give away. They're ours. Yours and mine. I can't help but wonder how often you thought of her while you were making love to me. Sometimes I think - aw come on, what's the big deal, it's not like you slept with her. It has less to do with the physical act, and more to do with the betrayal. Sex for me is private, intimate...something I've shared with very few. I not only let you into my body, but my heart, my soul....I TRUSTED YOU. You took that and threw it aside, like A does when he's tired of playing with a toy. That's an exceedingly rare and precious gift you so callously threw to the ground. You never gave marriage counseling a fair chance by being involved with that whore, then tried to blame me when things weren't working. You were the selfish, self-centered bastard, and I feel ashamed that I'm still in love with you and still want to be with you. I'm afraid that I look foolish, like a doormat. If anybody should feel shame, it's you. You broke our marriage vows and your masonic obligations. All for what felt good to you at the time. To hell with the consequences and the people it could hurt, including our innocent boys. Stroking your ego (and something else) was all that mattered. Damn you. I'm scared to death I'm setting myself up for you to hurt me again. I don't know if I can ever trust you again. I don't know if I can live with someone I can't trust. I just don't know. I'm scared. I've always called you the love of my life - and I really believe that. You've hurt me more severely and more deeply than any other man I've been involved with. You've left me holding the bag of all this sh*t.

The Aftermath

The days following that explosion are a blur now. My emotions have been all over the place - hence the title of my blog "The Roller Coaster."

When I confronted him on Wednesday, my intent was to kick him out on his ass that day and end our marriage. Forever. You don't screw with me like that. I hate cheaters and have no tolerance for them. Part of me was scared of being alone with two little boys, but I knew I could do it if I had to. I kept praying, begging God to help me. I didn't know if I was making the right decision. I didn't know what the right decision even was. I hadn't decided ahead of time that he was going to call her and end it - like I said, my emotions somehow bypassed my brain and got control of my mouth, and things were coming out that I hadn't necessarily planned on saying.

I've done lots of crying, asked a lot of questions. I found out the following Friday she sent a nude picture of herself to him a few months back. I was furious when I saw that. I felt like somebody kicked me in the stomach. Just before I saw that picture, I texted her for a second time and told her I knew exactly what their relationship was about. Called her every filthy, degrading name I could think of. Told her she wasn't a woman - but a piece of worthless garbage and it was no wonder she didn't have custody of her three children. Clearly the judge could see what kind of trash she is too. I had also messaged her boyfriend through MySpace and told him what was going on between them (this was actually done Wednesday or Thursday). I won't go into further detail about how I handled my feelings for her. But I was blinded by pain and rage. She forwarded that text to J (I had forwarded it to him immediately). I thought that was pretty funny, actually. What the hell was her point? Did she think he was going to get mad, maybe leave me for her?? Did she REALLY think at this point that I gave two sh*ts what he would think? Did she honestly expect any other reaction? I mean, my God, she knew me and the boys existed. She was carrying on with a married man! I had every right to say what I said, and then some. I was willing to confront her over the phone, but she was too chickensh*t. Put on your big girl panties and suck up the consequences, coward. You should have answered your phone.

The day I screamed at him was very cathartic for a lot of reasons. Without realizing it, I had made a huge mistake in our marriage. While growing up, I carefully observed my mother. As I said before, I come from a very chaotic, dysfunctional family. I was blessed with the gift to be highly observant at a very young age, and I took lots of mental notes about the things I saw in my mother that I didn't want to be. I carried those things with me my entire life, and worked very hard to be sure I wasn't like her (as much as you can control that, anyway). I believed that the more opposite I could be, the more insurance I would have against being like her. My relationship prior to J was pretty dysfunctional and brought out the worst in me, I swore I was going to do things differently. Without realizing it, I told J what I thought I wanted him to hear. Big mistake. Let me emphasize that - BIG MISTAKE. In the beginning he was very adamant about lodge being very important to him. I honestly didn't have an issue with that at first, but some issues did crop up here and there. I thought I was doing a good job by being compromising and reasonable, not making too many waves. Letting him do what made him happy. I didn't express strong opinions about it. I didn't want a fight - mainly because I was afraid I'd lose. It was easier just to keep my mouth shut and grit my teeth. What ended up happening is this carried over into every other aspect of our relationship, without my realizing it. Before I knew it, my true feelings were so squashed down I couldn't find them anymore. What initially seemed like a good solution in the short run, proved to be disastrous in the long run. I became complacent - between being assured that "a mason would never cheat on his wife" (I actually had a therapist tell me that once) and all the energy I was expending trying to get along, I lost who I was. Our sexual relationship suffered. Our marriage suffered. So that day that I completely came unglued was really beneficial for me. I wasn't just screaming at him for being unfaithful, I was screaming to get out of myself. Garbage from the past 7.5 years came pouring out of me without my realizing it.

Make no mistake - I DO NOT ACCEPT BLAME. J knows this. By accepting blame I would be saying that what he did was my fault, and therefore ok. What he did is not ok, and will never be ok. What I firmly believe is that marriage is 100%/100%, not 50/50 as you commonly hear. Both partners are 100% responsible for their marriage - whether it lives or dies. I contributed to the state our marriage was in.

My mind keeps going back to certain times - times when my husband should have been completely and totally mine, and he wasn't. Holidays. My birthday. The times we made love. She was there. She stole those moments from me - he gave them away - and I can never get them back. We were even in marriage counseling at one point, and he was involved with her then. I feel angry, hurt. I feel embarassed for being played a fool. Thinking of those lost moments stabs me in the heart every time. Looking back, I realize I had a sense that J wasn't totally plugged into us. I had always felt like there was a part of him I couldn't touch - he held me at arms' length. I felt like I was running at full steam 24 hours a day just trying to get along...not make waves, not be disagreeable. Not be like my mother. He accused me of not trying, of not caring about him. That wounded me every time. I was giving everything I had and had nothing left to give. I was trying, couldn't he see that?

He's put me through a lot even before this mess. He used to put lodge above me. He got in contact with his first love when I was pregnant with R. She was a newlywed at the time. I told him (calmly) I was uncomfortable with that. He told me he would end it and didn't, and began reminiscing with her about their sexual relationship. Nothing real graphic, but inappropriate nonetheless.

That day changed me forever. I may be able to forgive him at some point (not yet), but I'll never forget. I hope that it'll eventually fade so it's not at the forefront of my memory as it is now, but I know it'll never go away completely. The only way that could ever happen is to wipe out ALL of my memories. I have far too many precious memories that I would never willingly let go of.

I've kind of glossed over the spectrum of emotions I've experienced since that day. I don't mean to. At first I was just so overwhelmed with the amount of information that I was just in shock. This can't be happening - not to me. I walked around with a certain level of arrogance, thinking that no matter what, J wouldn't cheat. We may split up, but he won't cheat. I know better now. NOTHING is out of the realm of possibilities for anybody. I've been humbled. My emotions span from one end of the gamut to the other. Rage, embarassment, bewilderment, deeper grief than I've ever experienced. Relief. Yes, relief. I am now truly me. I am Heather. I wasn't true to myself before. I am now. I speak my mind. I used to be afraid that if I truly spoke my mind, made waves, that I'd hurt J's feelings or make him angry and he'd leave. Now I realize he's lucky to have me. I've been very forgiving of his behavior. He's lucky I didn't kick him out on the street Wednesday. I've been compromising, accomodating, and if something I say makes him leave, then I've lost nothing. He wasn't worth keeping. I'm not going to set out to be purposely cruel to him of course, but I am going to be myself. You have to be absolutely true to yourself and your feelings. Otherwise not only are you doing a real disservice to yourself, but to your spouse and marriage too. You can only deal with what you know, and you can't be dishonest and expect a good marriage to magically spawn from that.

BOOM

I've been through many years of therapy in my adult life, and it's been tremendously beneficial. I went from being debilitated by severe depression (and suicidal), highly anxious and taking medications, to being able to wean off medications, hold a job for several years, meet and marry a man, have children - all the things I dreamed of but thought weren't in the cards for me. I worked extremely hard. Can I say that again? I worked extremely hard. I always wanted to be who I am today, but seriously doubted it was a possibility. I was forced to cut my parents out of my life so I could become this new, healthy person. I prided myself on being a rational, reasonable person most of the time. I'll admit I can get easily irritated over small stuff, I am Irish after all, lol. But I get over the small stuff quickly. I rarely get truly angry, but when I do, it ain't pretty. I'm pretty tolerant of the people I love most (probably to a fault), and I take a lot of crap for a long time. It slowly builds up, and when I've had enough - KABOOM. Huge explosion. No turning back. Not to the point of violence or anything like that, but you definitely know I'm at the end of my rope at this point.

While I was waiting for him we were texting. He revealed their relationship (over text) was sexual - they were having cyber sex. I felt like somebody punched me in the stomach. He said they never had phone sex, but they had been together since late last year. Here it was July, so this was going on for close to a year. My head spun. I went into shock, I think. I completely lost it - fell down on the floor and sobbed uncontrollably, curled up in a fetal position. "OH MY GOD!!!!!!" I screamed...."NO NO NO PLEASE GOD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!" I was frantic....I wanted to run. I knew this journey had only begun, and I needed to get some semblance of control before J came home. I couldn't decide if I wanted to kick him out, let him stay....I begged God for guidance. I was terrified, grief-stricken. I don't consider myself especially religious, but I do believe in God and have a relationship with Him.

J came home. I glared at him. "So?" he nervously said. "'SO?!"' I repeated. "Is that all you f*ing have to say is 'so?' ?!" He sat down and didn't say anything. I proceeded to scream at him for the next hour. I mean literally scream. Jugular veins standing out, beet red-in-the-face, spitting, screamed at him. I honestly can't remember the last time I was so enraged. It's certainly never happened in the nearly 8 years we've been together. I called him (and her) every filthy name in the book. I pummeled him with questions. How could you do this to me? Why her? Did you sleep with her? Are you in love with her? All the typical questions you'd expect. Then my instincts took over. I didn't really actively decide this. Call it divine intervention, stupidity, whatever. But in the moment, I decided I didn't want him to leave. I told him he was going to call her in front of me and end it. He was shocked and resisted at first. I told him "then you can pack your sh*t and get the f*ck out RIGHT NOW." He looked up at me and blinked. I said "I'm serious - you call her right this minute and end it or you can get the f*ck out." He called her. Then I told him if he ever did anything remotely similar to this again, I would divorce him so fast his head would spin, I'd sue him for full custody of our boys, as well as support, and I'd f*ck up his masonic career. I think he nearly pissed his pants then. I kind of laugh at that now - I kind of went ghetto on him. My emotions took complete control of my mouth and kept my normally rational brain out of the loop.

When I was done, he apologized. Said that he didn't want our marriage to end. He said he was stunned at seeing so much passion from me, because it had never happened before. Then he said "Well, it's nice to finally see some passion out of you. Right now you are sexier than ever and I am so totally turned on by all this passion." I had calmed down significantly but glared at him and said "WTF is the matter with you?" He kind of chuckled and said "I don't know." He came to give me a hug, I gave him a half-hearted slap across the face and said "I f*cking hate you." He said "I know...I am so sorry....I love you and have never stopped."