The Downturn

.....more emotions, more thoughts. Rational or not, they are what they are. Shame. Grief. So much grief. I don't feel like I can adequately describe how much pain I'm in. This has touched my soul. Do you understand the significance of that, J? Your actions have forever changed me. Yes to some degree, I benefitted from that change. But the pain. Oh my God, the pain. Few things in life shake you to the core of your being and leave their indelible mark on your soul forever. This is one of them. I will always carry this with me. Forever.

I'm so angry at you sometimes. You lost next to nothing. You should lose everything. You got your jollies for a while, got screamed at, life is moving on for you. I can't breathe. I have anxiety attacks. I've developed insomnia. I'm exhausted and wake in the middle of the night, toss and turn for hours, only to fall back to sleep shortly before the boys wake up for the day. I hate you. I love you. You're such a bastard. I know I'm not perfect, but I didn't deserve this. Nobody deserves to have their heart ripped out and stomped on like this. You gave moments of my life - our life together - to her. You had no right. They weren't yours to give away. They're ours. Yours and mine. I can't help but wonder how often you thought of her while you were making love to me. Sometimes I think - aw come on, what's the big deal, it's not like you slept with her. It has less to do with the physical act, and more to do with the betrayal. Sex for me is private, intimate...something I've shared with very few. I not only let you into my body, but my heart, my soul....I TRUSTED YOU. You took that and threw it aside, like A does when he's tired of playing with a toy. That's an exceedingly rare and precious gift you so callously threw to the ground. You never gave marriage counseling a fair chance by being involved with that whore, then tried to blame me when things weren't working. You were the selfish, self-centered bastard, and I feel ashamed that I'm still in love with you and still want to be with you. I'm afraid that I look foolish, like a doormat. If anybody should feel shame, it's you. You broke our marriage vows and your masonic obligations. All for what felt good to you at the time. To hell with the consequences and the people it could hurt, including our innocent boys. Stroking your ego (and something else) was all that mattered. Damn you. I'm scared to death I'm setting myself up for you to hurt me again. I don't know if I can ever trust you again. I don't know if I can live with someone I can't trust. I just don't know. I'm scared. I've always called you the love of my life - and I really believe that. You've hurt me more severely and more deeply than any other man I've been involved with. You've left me holding the bag of all this sh*t.