.....more emotions, more thoughts. Rational or not, they are what they are. Shame. Grief. So much grief. I don't feel like I can adequately describe how much pain I'm in. This has touched my soul. Do you understand the significance of that, J? Your actions have forever changed me. Yes to some degree, I benefitted from that change. But the pain. Oh my God, the pain. Few things in life shake you to the core of your being and leave their indelible mark on your soul forever. This is one of them. I will always carry this with me. Forever.
I'm so angry at you sometimes. You lost next to nothing. You should lose everything. You got your jollies for a while, got screamed at, life is moving on for you. I can't breathe. I have anxiety attacks. I've developed insomnia. I'm exhausted and wake in the middle of the night, toss and turn for hours, only to fall back to sleep shortly before the boys wake up for the day. I hate you. I love you. You're such a bastard. I know I'm not perfect, but I didn't deserve this. Nobody deserves to have their heart ripped out and stomped on like this. You gave moments of my life - our life together - to her. You had no right. They weren't yours to give away. They're ours. Yours and mine. I can't help but wonder how often you thought of her while you were making love to me. Sometimes I think - aw come on, what's the big deal, it's not like you slept with her. It has less to do with the physical act, and more to do with the betrayal. Sex for me is private, intimate...something I've shared with very few. I not only let you into my body, but my heart, my soul....I TRUSTED YOU. You took that and threw it aside, like A does when he's tired of playing with a toy. That's an exceedingly rare and precious gift you so callously threw to the ground. You never gave marriage counseling a fair chance by being involved with that whore, then tried to blame me when things weren't working. You were the selfish, self-centered bastard, and I feel ashamed that I'm still in love with you and still want to be with you. I'm afraid that I look foolish, like a doormat. If anybody should feel shame, it's you. You broke our marriage vows and your masonic obligations. All for what felt good to you at the time. To hell with the consequences and the people it could hurt, including our innocent boys. Stroking your ego (and something else) was all that mattered. Damn you. I'm scared to death I'm setting myself up for you to hurt me again. I don't know if I can ever trust you again. I don't know if I can live with someone I can't trust. I just don't know. I'm scared. I've always called you the love of my life - and I really believe that. You've hurt me more severely and more deeply than any other man I've been involved with. You've left me holding the bag of all this sh*t.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The Aftermath
The days following that explosion are a blur now. My emotions have been all over the place - hence the title of my blog "The Roller Coaster."
When I confronted him on Wednesday, my intent was to kick him out on his ass that day and end our marriage. Forever. You don't screw with me like that. I hate cheaters and have no tolerance for them. Part of me was scared of being alone with two little boys, but I knew I could do it if I had to. I kept praying, begging God to help me. I didn't know if I was making the right decision. I didn't know what the right decision even was. I hadn't decided ahead of time that he was going to call her and end it - like I said, my emotions somehow bypassed my brain and got control of my mouth, and things were coming out that I hadn't necessarily planned on saying.
I've done lots of crying, asked a lot of questions. I found out the following Friday she sent a nude picture of herself to him a few months back. I was furious when I saw that. I felt like somebody kicked me in the stomach. Just before I saw that picture, I texted her for a second time and told her I knew exactly what their relationship was about. Called her every filthy, degrading name I could think of. Told her she wasn't a woman - but a piece of worthless garbage and it was no wonder she didn't have custody of her three children. Clearly the judge could see what kind of trash she is too. I had also messaged her boyfriend through MySpace and told him what was going on between them (this was actually done Wednesday or Thursday). I won't go into further detail about how I handled my feelings for her. But I was blinded by pain and rage. She forwarded that text to J (I had forwarded it to him immediately). I thought that was pretty funny, actually. What the hell was her point? Did she think he was going to get mad, maybe leave me for her?? Did she REALLY think at this point that I gave two sh*ts what he would think? Did she honestly expect any other reaction? I mean, my God, she knew me and the boys existed. She was carrying on with a married man! I had every right to say what I said, and then some. I was willing to confront her over the phone, but she was too chickensh*t. Put on your big girl panties and suck up the consequences, coward. You should have answered your phone.
The day I screamed at him was very cathartic for a lot of reasons. Without realizing it, I had made a huge mistake in our marriage. While growing up, I carefully observed my mother. As I said before, I come from a very chaotic, dysfunctional family. I was blessed with the gift to be highly observant at a very young age, and I took lots of mental notes about the things I saw in my mother that I didn't want to be. I carried those things with me my entire life, and worked very hard to be sure I wasn't like her (as much as you can control that, anyway). I believed that the more opposite I could be, the more insurance I would have against being like her. My relationship prior to J was pretty dysfunctional and brought out the worst in me, I swore I was going to do things differently. Without realizing it, I told J what I thought I wanted him to hear. Big mistake. Let me emphasize that - BIG MISTAKE. In the beginning he was very adamant about lodge being very important to him. I honestly didn't have an issue with that at first, but some issues did crop up here and there. I thought I was doing a good job by being compromising and reasonable, not making too many waves. Letting him do what made him happy. I didn't express strong opinions about it. I didn't want a fight - mainly because I was afraid I'd lose. It was easier just to keep my mouth shut and grit my teeth. What ended up happening is this carried over into every other aspect of our relationship, without my realizing it. Before I knew it, my true feelings were so squashed down I couldn't find them anymore. What initially seemed like a good solution in the short run, proved to be disastrous in the long run. I became complacent - between being assured that "a mason would never cheat on his wife" (I actually had a therapist tell me that once) and all the energy I was expending trying to get along, I lost who I was. Our sexual relationship suffered. Our marriage suffered. So that day that I completely came unglued was really beneficial for me. I wasn't just screaming at him for being unfaithful, I was screaming to get out of myself. Garbage from the past 7.5 years came pouring out of me without my realizing it.
Make no mistake - I DO NOT ACCEPT BLAME. J knows this. By accepting blame I would be saying that what he did was my fault, and therefore ok. What he did is not ok, and will never be ok. What I firmly believe is that marriage is 100%/100%, not 50/50 as you commonly hear. Both partners are 100% responsible for their marriage - whether it lives or dies. I contributed to the state our marriage was in.
My mind keeps going back to certain times - times when my husband should have been completely and totally mine, and he wasn't. Holidays. My birthday. The times we made love. She was there. She stole those moments from me - he gave them away - and I can never get them back. We were even in marriage counseling at one point, and he was involved with her then. I feel angry, hurt. I feel embarassed for being played a fool. Thinking of those lost moments stabs me in the heart every time. Looking back, I realize I had a sense that J wasn't totally plugged into us. I had always felt like there was a part of him I couldn't touch - he held me at arms' length. I felt like I was running at full steam 24 hours a day just trying to get along...not make waves, not be disagreeable. Not be like my mother. He accused me of not trying, of not caring about him. That wounded me every time. I was giving everything I had and had nothing left to give. I was trying, couldn't he see that?
He's put me through a lot even before this mess. He used to put lodge above me. He got in contact with his first love when I was pregnant with R. She was a newlywed at the time. I told him (calmly) I was uncomfortable with that. He told me he would end it and didn't, and began reminiscing with her about their sexual relationship. Nothing real graphic, but inappropriate nonetheless.
That day changed me forever. I may be able to forgive him at some point (not yet), but I'll never forget. I hope that it'll eventually fade so it's not at the forefront of my memory as it is now, but I know it'll never go away completely. The only way that could ever happen is to wipe out ALL of my memories. I have far too many precious memories that I would never willingly let go of.
I've kind of glossed over the spectrum of emotions I've experienced since that day. I don't mean to. At first I was just so overwhelmed with the amount of information that I was just in shock. This can't be happening - not to me. I walked around with a certain level of arrogance, thinking that no matter what, J wouldn't cheat. We may split up, but he won't cheat. I know better now. NOTHING is out of the realm of possibilities for anybody. I've been humbled. My emotions span from one end of the gamut to the other. Rage, embarassment, bewilderment, deeper grief than I've ever experienced. Relief. Yes, relief. I am now truly me. I am Heather. I wasn't true to myself before. I am now. I speak my mind. I used to be afraid that if I truly spoke my mind, made waves, that I'd hurt J's feelings or make him angry and he'd leave. Now I realize he's lucky to have me. I've been very forgiving of his behavior. He's lucky I didn't kick him out on the street Wednesday. I've been compromising, accomodating, and if something I say makes him leave, then I've lost nothing. He wasn't worth keeping. I'm not going to set out to be purposely cruel to him of course, but I am going to be myself. You have to be absolutely true to yourself and your feelings. Otherwise not only are you doing a real disservice to yourself, but to your spouse and marriage too. You can only deal with what you know, and you can't be dishonest and expect a good marriage to magically spawn from that.
When I confronted him on Wednesday, my intent was to kick him out on his ass that day and end our marriage. Forever. You don't screw with me like that. I hate cheaters and have no tolerance for them. Part of me was scared of being alone with two little boys, but I knew I could do it if I had to. I kept praying, begging God to help me. I didn't know if I was making the right decision. I didn't know what the right decision even was. I hadn't decided ahead of time that he was going to call her and end it - like I said, my emotions somehow bypassed my brain and got control of my mouth, and things were coming out that I hadn't necessarily planned on saying.
I've done lots of crying, asked a lot of questions. I found out the following Friday she sent a nude picture of herself to him a few months back. I was furious when I saw that. I felt like somebody kicked me in the stomach. Just before I saw that picture, I texted her for a second time and told her I knew exactly what their relationship was about. Called her every filthy, degrading name I could think of. Told her she wasn't a woman - but a piece of worthless garbage and it was no wonder she didn't have custody of her three children. Clearly the judge could see what kind of trash she is too. I had also messaged her boyfriend through MySpace and told him what was going on between them (this was actually done Wednesday or Thursday). I won't go into further detail about how I handled my feelings for her. But I was blinded by pain and rage. She forwarded that text to J (I had forwarded it to him immediately). I thought that was pretty funny, actually. What the hell was her point? Did she think he was going to get mad, maybe leave me for her?? Did she REALLY think at this point that I gave two sh*ts what he would think? Did she honestly expect any other reaction? I mean, my God, she knew me and the boys existed. She was carrying on with a married man! I had every right to say what I said, and then some. I was willing to confront her over the phone, but she was too chickensh*t. Put on your big girl panties and suck up the consequences, coward. You should have answered your phone.
The day I screamed at him was very cathartic for a lot of reasons. Without realizing it, I had made a huge mistake in our marriage. While growing up, I carefully observed my mother. As I said before, I come from a very chaotic, dysfunctional family. I was blessed with the gift to be highly observant at a very young age, and I took lots of mental notes about the things I saw in my mother that I didn't want to be. I carried those things with me my entire life, and worked very hard to be sure I wasn't like her (as much as you can control that, anyway). I believed that the more opposite I could be, the more insurance I would have against being like her. My relationship prior to J was pretty dysfunctional and brought out the worst in me, I swore I was going to do things differently. Without realizing it, I told J what I thought I wanted him to hear. Big mistake. Let me emphasize that - BIG MISTAKE. In the beginning he was very adamant about lodge being very important to him. I honestly didn't have an issue with that at first, but some issues did crop up here and there. I thought I was doing a good job by being compromising and reasonable, not making too many waves. Letting him do what made him happy. I didn't express strong opinions about it. I didn't want a fight - mainly because I was afraid I'd lose. It was easier just to keep my mouth shut and grit my teeth. What ended up happening is this carried over into every other aspect of our relationship, without my realizing it. Before I knew it, my true feelings were so squashed down I couldn't find them anymore. What initially seemed like a good solution in the short run, proved to be disastrous in the long run. I became complacent - between being assured that "a mason would never cheat on his wife" (I actually had a therapist tell me that once) and all the energy I was expending trying to get along, I lost who I was. Our sexual relationship suffered. Our marriage suffered. So that day that I completely came unglued was really beneficial for me. I wasn't just screaming at him for being unfaithful, I was screaming to get out of myself. Garbage from the past 7.5 years came pouring out of me without my realizing it.
Make no mistake - I DO NOT ACCEPT BLAME. J knows this. By accepting blame I would be saying that what he did was my fault, and therefore ok. What he did is not ok, and will never be ok. What I firmly believe is that marriage is 100%/100%, not 50/50 as you commonly hear. Both partners are 100% responsible for their marriage - whether it lives or dies. I contributed to the state our marriage was in.
My mind keeps going back to certain times - times when my husband should have been completely and totally mine, and he wasn't. Holidays. My birthday. The times we made love. She was there. She stole those moments from me - he gave them away - and I can never get them back. We were even in marriage counseling at one point, and he was involved with her then. I feel angry, hurt. I feel embarassed for being played a fool. Thinking of those lost moments stabs me in the heart every time. Looking back, I realize I had a sense that J wasn't totally plugged into us. I had always felt like there was a part of him I couldn't touch - he held me at arms' length. I felt like I was running at full steam 24 hours a day just trying to get along...not make waves, not be disagreeable. Not be like my mother. He accused me of not trying, of not caring about him. That wounded me every time. I was giving everything I had and had nothing left to give. I was trying, couldn't he see that?
He's put me through a lot even before this mess. He used to put lodge above me. He got in contact with his first love when I was pregnant with R. She was a newlywed at the time. I told him (calmly) I was uncomfortable with that. He told me he would end it and didn't, and began reminiscing with her about their sexual relationship. Nothing real graphic, but inappropriate nonetheless.
That day changed me forever. I may be able to forgive him at some point (not yet), but I'll never forget. I hope that it'll eventually fade so it's not at the forefront of my memory as it is now, but I know it'll never go away completely. The only way that could ever happen is to wipe out ALL of my memories. I have far too many precious memories that I would never willingly let go of.
I've kind of glossed over the spectrum of emotions I've experienced since that day. I don't mean to. At first I was just so overwhelmed with the amount of information that I was just in shock. This can't be happening - not to me. I walked around with a certain level of arrogance, thinking that no matter what, J wouldn't cheat. We may split up, but he won't cheat. I know better now. NOTHING is out of the realm of possibilities for anybody. I've been humbled. My emotions span from one end of the gamut to the other. Rage, embarassment, bewilderment, deeper grief than I've ever experienced. Relief. Yes, relief. I am now truly me. I am Heather. I wasn't true to myself before. I am now. I speak my mind. I used to be afraid that if I truly spoke my mind, made waves, that I'd hurt J's feelings or make him angry and he'd leave. Now I realize he's lucky to have me. I've been very forgiving of his behavior. He's lucky I didn't kick him out on the street Wednesday. I've been compromising, accomodating, and if something I say makes him leave, then I've lost nothing. He wasn't worth keeping. I'm not going to set out to be purposely cruel to him of course, but I am going to be myself. You have to be absolutely true to yourself and your feelings. Otherwise not only are you doing a real disservice to yourself, but to your spouse and marriage too. You can only deal with what you know, and you can't be dishonest and expect a good marriage to magically spawn from that.
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