You may have noticed the color change on my blog. It was partly done because the blue lettering on the black background was bothering my eyes. Partly to reflect the improvement in my mood and marriage.

When I married J a little over 8 years ago now, I never envisioned we were embarking on the most difficult task of our lives. Being married is a HELL of a lot of work.

I successfully passed my class and am now a licensed EMT. Woo hoo! VERY proud moment in my life. I'm continuing on with my education to get higher certification and work towards becoming a paramedic. That in and of itself is full of emotion. Excitement, anxiety, stress, fear, pride, fascination, frustration. What a rush!

Skank face doesn't come up in conversation very often anymore. I don't have the seething, burning hate for her I did in the beginning. Now I just think she's pathetic.

Hello, my old friend. It's been a while. We are now 14 months out from that earth-shattering day. How am I, you may ask? So much has changed. Where do I begin? I left my job of nearly 7 years because having two children in daycare full-time was getting far too expensive. It was hard to leave. It felt a little like leaving family. I'm continuing to pursue my goal of becoming a paramedic, and am working towards my goal of getting my EMT-basic certification this January. The boys are doing well - growing like weeds. R is in kindergarten now and really seems to enjoy it.

Our marriage continues to do well overall, I think. Like anybody else we have the occasional bumps. I never would have imagined infidelity would be something I would experience. I had no idea just how far-reaching the pain and devastation could be. I'm not done grieving over it. The pain and sadness has been more palpable the past week or so. J gets upset and frustrated when I discuss triggers with him. He's a typical man (not meant in a derrogatory way), and wants a clear direction on how to fix something. It's always frustrated and confused him that I as a woman can sit and talk with him about something, and feel better even when nothing immediately changes.

I had a trigger a few days ago. Well, I call it a trigger, but it's more of a thought that came to mind, I think, since there wasn't anything in particular that brought it forth. I was thinking about how civil I was to Sherry when I first discovered she was in contact with J. I called her to find out who she was, with the thought in mind (desperate hope, really), there was a reasonable explanation for her existence. She ignored my call. A while later I figured out there was more to their relationship than what I'd hoped for. I texted her and said "I'm asking you, woman to woman, to end contact with my husband. Your relationship with him could not only impact our marriage, but the lives of two young children as well." I thought back to how angry I was that not only did she not respond to that, but continued contact with J. As my mind wandered, I became increasingly angry at her sense of entitlement to my husband. When J told me they had been sexting and then showed me the picture she had sent him......

Excuse me, I just vomited in my mouth a little bit.

Needless to say, that information made me furious. I set out to humiliate her. She would NOT back off, kept in contact with J, even though she knew I knew about her. Did the stupid bitch honestly think I was going to sit back and not fight for my marriage? When I attempted to contact her boyfriend to advise him of what was going on, she intercepted it, and had the audacity to be angry at me. Demanded that I leave them alone, pretending to be him. Thank God he noticed my number on his phone and called me a couple days later.

I think that's where I'm stuck - the blatant disregard for my feelings. The vulture-like attempt to intercede in my marriage. She wanted what I had and was going to continue to come after it until I fought back. Sometimes I wish I'd done more to hurt her.

Then there's J.

He's been working so hard, and I'll openly admit I haven't made it easy on him. I do love him more than I've ever loved any other man. I want so much to get past this pain. But a part of me died the day I discovered this emotional affair. This was actually his second one. There are still pieces that don't quite sit right with me, and I still have that voice in the back of my mind that whispers "what if there's more to it that he hasn't told you?" Sometimes I wonder if that's why he has such a visceral reaction to me talking about triggers - because he's hiding something. He swears that's not the case. I could have him take a poly, but I'm afraid. What if he fails? What if before the poly he spills his guts and I find out they did in fact sleep together? Could I handle knowing? Once you learn something, it can't be undone after all. What if he were to pass? Would that be enough to finally put all this to rest? Would he forever resent me for requiring this of him? Even thinking of going through the process - making the phone call to get information and set up the test - makes me nauseous. So instead, I try to move on with the info I have. He answered everything I asked. I hope he answered truthfully.

Full circle

The time has come for me to wean off my antidepressants. I can't depend on them forever. Well, I suppose I could. I don't want to. At one point in my life I had been on them for 8 years. I'm ok with that, and I don't judge anybody else that's on them. I just personally prefer not to take pills if I can get away with it.

So I started the weaning process about a week ago. At first it seemed ok, but since fully coming off one, it's been a little tough. I've been more emotional. More grouchy. On the other hand, sex has been MUCH better. A not-so-lovely side effect of antidepressants is you lose your desire for sex. Well isn't that nice?? J's top emotional need and not only do I not have much desire, but it doesn't feel as good as it used to when we do have sex! Good grief!! Hopefully things will settle down once I'm done transitioning off and it's out of my system.

But now....oooooh man. LOL Aerosmith's "Back In The Saddle" comes to mind. Great song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQ_aXyStWO0

Things with J and I are good. Went on vacation to Arizona. Had a slight issue with a friend of his (who I don't trust or like much) texting J, knowing we were out of town. We got past it. Well, sort of. I guess looking back I'm not too sure it's fully resolved. I'm still angry at how J handled it when I tried to talk to him about it. I'm trying to let that go though.

Just registered our oldest for kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN!! Where in the hell has the time gone?!

Just over ten months now since that fateful day that changed me, my life, my marriage. I texted J that day "happy ten month anniversary ~ I love you." He was shocked it had been that long already too. I'm trying to look at July 4th as a day to celebrate, not a day to dread. It's the first day of our new marriage. Don't think that it's now a cake walk, everything's just hunky-dorey. Marriage is hard! But when you make each other happy, it's so worth it. Even when you have a few bumps in the road (and we will continue to from time to time). I love J with all my heart and can't imagine life without him. Even when he's being a jackass. ;)

Momentus Occasion

Today J told me I'm the love of his life. I've longed to hear those words from him our entire relationship. He's never said that. It caught me off guard and made me cry. Happy tears, of course. It was completely unsolicited, which makes it that much better.

Our marriage is deepening. We're so much closer and more in love than when we married 7 years ago. It's richer, more fulfilling. I've never experienced this level of emotion with another man. I've been in love before, but this is different.

I've also hit a bit of a brick wall. My childhood experiences are getting in the way of me completely letting down my guard. For nearly 38 years I've never let people in too much. I was taught very early on that love hurts. Trust hurts. People disappoint you, hurt you, take advantage of you. You especially can't trust the people you love the most, because they have the power and the ability to hurt you the most. And they will. I learned that lesson well very early in life. My mother abused me, verbally, physically, emotionally. Towards the end of my relationship with her, she even broke into my apartment and stole from me. I was dirt poor, working two jobs and had next to nothing. She broke into my apartment and stole what few things were valuable to me. Seems hard to believe, I'm sure. Nobody in their right mind does that. But that's the key phrase - in their right mind. She's never been that. The legacy of that lives on in my emotional scars that I carry on even to this day, despite over ten years of therapy. I'm very different than I was back then, but there's only so much that can be healed, I think.

Trust. Love. There's a wall about a mile high and ten feet thick around those two emotions. I feel those things, but only to a certain level. There's the ever-watchful guard, waiting for the betrayal...for the other shoe to drop. It's not possible for someone to love me, really love me for who I am and not betray me or take advantage somehow. I'm so tired of lugging that garbage around. It makes my heart heavy. J wants me to let him in - is practically begging for it. He's a good man and I know it. I want to let my guard down. I'm just not sure I know how to.

Metamorphosis

I had no idea that J's emotional affair would have such a far-reaching impact on me. It snapped me back to reality. I had been behaving the way I thought he wanted me to. The way I thought I was supposed to. I didn't realize that by doing that, it essentially made me a liar. I was cheating him and myself.

I'm finding that I'm really enjoying listening to the music of strong women - women who aren't shy about who they are. They don't hold back. They're true to themselves and don't hide their sexuality - Christina Aguilera, Pink, etc. I admire them and as the months have gone on, am finding myself acting more like them. Back in December I got a tattoo on my lower back, a week ago I put really blonde highlights in my hair, and am contemplating doing a little brown, too. For a while I was drinking quite a bit, but I've backed off that significantly because given my family history, that scared me a bit. But I've gotten more outspoken, especially with J. I tell myself repeatedly that I'm beautiful (which is actually an attempt to soothe my wounded self-image rather than arrogance). For a while I had stopped wearing makeup, and have been wearing it again - even wearing it more heavily than before. I changed my hairstyle along with the color. I guess all in all, it's an attempt to discard the "old" me, and re-discover who I really am. J likes it - he likes me not holding back and being a little more wild (for me).

I'm not hurting quite as much as I was the last time I blogged. I've actually come a long way and have decided to let J go to an event I had been fighting him on - the group that I've hated our entire marriage. He's been phenomenal at making changes. I finally feel like he's fully invested in our marriage, in us. I feel like he truly respects me and although I felt this way to some degree before, I know he loves me. I decided I was ready to try and trust him a little more. I've had a pretty tight choke-chain on him for over 8 months now, and he's never complained and has been very consistent with his behavior.

I told him not to make me regret attempting to trust him. He told me not to make him regret trying so hard.

The Toll

I knew J's affair would have a huge impact on me. I didn't realize that 8 months later, it would still be extremely painful though.

We're still plugging along and doing really well. But because things are quiet I think, it's safe for those other emotions to come out. I felt hugely rejected and ashamed by his emotional affair. I felt like a failure - I couldn't keep my man at home, after all. I've been purposely losing weight - I've lost 15 lbs. so far. People are starting to notice, and I'm really feeding off the attention. I still feel so much grief and shame...when other men pay attention to me (regardless of whether I find them attractive or not) I feel like - "See? Even if YOU don't want me, somebody else will." Feeling this way scares me. It scares me that J just blindly trusts me, even though I've told him I've been tempted to have a revenge affair. I feel like to some extent he doesn't really buy into Marriage Builders fully. A part of me is tempted to show J just how much pain I'm in by having a revenge affair.

I'm working really hard to stop that line of thinking. It would make me a hypocrite. I'd feel HUGELY guilty. Two wrongs don't make a right. What if it didn't have the effect I intended anyway? What if he just found it "hot", as he claims he'd find my having sex with another man?

He tries. So hard. He really does. I wish I could get past all this grief and pain. I hate that I'm even IN this position. I'm angry at his choice when there were so many other choices to make. He chose the easy way out, the ego-stroking, selfish way. I kept working at it. I kept reading. I kept going to counselors and couple's therapists. I gave a damn. I worried. He gave up. He says he didn't - he never stopped loving me or being attracted to me. But he was working towards that. Sometimes I want to grab him and shake him and scream "I fucking hate you, you piece of shit! Do you realize what you've done?!"

Sometimes I wonder if there's somebody out there better for me. Yet I can't imagine my life without him.

Eight and a half months. I feel like I'm still reeling from the shock of it all. Some days are better than others. Most are, really.

I had babies with this man. I made myself vulnerable to him. I told him things about myself I'd never told anyone. I trusted him and loved him like no other. And he betrayed me in the most painful way possible. For the second time.

I hope I can come back from this. But I have my doubts. I don't want to spend the rest of my life resenting him.

Time Passes On

The 7-month mark passed by relatively unnoticed by me, until a few days later. Then I realized - "hey, it's been 7 months!".

Things are better than ever. That's not to say we don't have disagreements and difficult moments, because we do. But the quantity is MUCH less. We genuinely enjoy each other's company, even doing the most mundane of things. J really, truly is an amazing man. Sure, he'll get on my nerves from time to time - I get on his too, lol.

I don't know if you'll think I'm crazy for this next comment, but - I really am very fortunate to have him in my life. He hurt me more than any other human being has ever hurt me. He's also impressed me and showed me greater love than any other human being. He's made many drastic changes, and they've been consistent for 7 1/2 months now. He's happier than ever too. We've both worked very hard at making changes and making our marriage work. So far, we've been successful, but the work will never be over. It'll forever be a work in progress, and that's the way it should be.

I finally found the love of a lifetime. My favorite quote comes from a song by Chris Daughtry - "there is nothing to fear, for I am right here beside you, for all my life, I am yours."