Dog-Paddling and Drowning

...that's kind of how it feels. Some moments I'm dog-paddling and just barely holding my head above water to catch a few breaths of fresh air. Other times I feel like I'm drowning in pain. I'm now at extremely high risk of my depression coming back with a vengeance. You son of a b*tch. I worked my entire life to get where I am, only to have you piss it away. I haven't needed medications for ten years. TEN YEARS. That's a miracle to me. I thought I would live the remainder of my days on antidepressants. I say that with pride and incredulosity. Is that a word? It is now.

This person inside me that's been awoken...she feels odd to me. A little like seeing a friend that you haven't seen in a long time. She's familiar, you know her face...but do you really know her? I like her, want her to stay. But what a price to pay for her appearance.

I still have random thoughts. Will J have masonic charges brought against him? It's conceivable. It would get him kicked out of masonry, something that's been part of his life since he was 15. Masonry specifically has a rule about having "illicit affairs" with the sister, wife, or widow of a fellow mason. Girlfriend isn't named specifically. Seems like that's part of the spirit of that rule though. Part of me hopes he does. So far not only has he not lost anything - life has gotten better for him, I think! Sex between us is intense, satisfying. She sometimes creeps into my thoughts as we make love, though. Did he talk about doing this with her? Did he imagine touching her that way? We've been texting while he's been gone, too. Cyber-sex. It's fun, but the tone of his texts is different. She's influenced him. It gnaws at my stomach. Makes my mind go in places I don't want it to. I haven't asked him about the content of their texts - I don't want to know. He did mention one - he and I were arguing over text (can you believe that stupidity), in the middle of it she randomly texted "I just got done masturbating and thinking of you - I just wanted you to know." I wanted to die. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to vomit and then die. I wanted to smack him upside the head.

I've been angry while he's been away. I'm here picking up the pieces as best I can - life has gone on as normal for him. I kept thinking this isn't right - there has to be a price for him to pay, especially if the boyfriend doesn't bring masonic charges against J. There's a side-body that he's a member of that's been a real thorn in the side of our marriage. In my mind it's counter-intuitive to what freemasonry is about, this group is about "mirth is king." He joined it against my wishes, kept his intentions from me until it was too late and he was in. There have been vague rumors of prostitution at their events (not at his, but in other states), I've seen pictures of members half-naked at initiation parties. They hole up in hotels to drink and gamble. I've always hated it. This seems to be precious to him. I texted him yesterday and informed him that I don't want him going out with other couples without me, and I want him to withdraw from this group. He didn't want to discuss it over text. I'm sure he'll fight me on it. When I decided to let him stay, I told him that he was going to play by my rules now. He was going to be miserable until I decided he was done, I was going to watch him like a hawk, ask him as many questions as I saw fit and expected immediate, honest answers without attitude. This is part of the price he has to pay, and I'll feel satisfied by it. I do not trust this group even though he swears none of the rumors are true. I didn't trust my gut when I suspected something was going on with him, and look where it got me? I have to continue to trust it, it's all I've got. He also doesn't have the right to decide what's fair and what isn't for him, as far as I'm concerned. These are MY rules buddy. You know where the door is if you don't like it. You're under house arrest. I'm judge, jury, and executioner.

We have an appointment with a marriage counselor on the 24th. He's going willingly. I've been reading a wonderful site called marriagebuilders.com. Reading the extensive info on infidelity has helped quite a bit, along with blogging. I do believe he loves me. I believe he wants to make it work. I also believe he doesn't know how not to be selfish, and assuming he continues to be a willing participant, this is going to be a long road.

Please don't fight me on this, J. I need you to do this. I don't have the strength for another fight.