Force Majeure

force ma·jeure - (fôrs' mä-zhûr', fōrs') n.

1. Superior or overpowering force.
2. An unexpected or uncontrollable event.

Pain is kind of a funny thing sometimes. It seems to take on a life of its own.

If you've never experienced a spouse's infidelity - let me try to explain the pain. Remember the last time you hurt yourself - really hurt yourself. I'm talking seeing stars, immediately drop-you-to-your-knees blinding pain. Multiply that times, oh, a million. With that kind of pain, it eventually goes away. It either fades on its own in a little while, or you go to the ER to get something sewn back on. But the pain of infidelity isn't like that. It's pervasive. It's persistent. It's there everywhere you go, 24/7. It whispers to my subconscious while I'm asleep. Even that isn't an escape for me. Well - sometimes it is.

Yesterday was hard. It was hard to have J out of town - he goes again this weekend too, to a different place. Me wanting him to quit that side body didn't go well - the pain of everything built up and overflowed. I slapped him on his arm, pounded on his chest, cried and sobbed uncontrollably. "Why can't you be the man you said you were?!" He held my face in his hands, leaned his forehead on mine and said "I am that man, I just made a mistake." He held me as I sobbed. One step at a time. I need to quit fixating on making him pay. It's taking too much energy, I need my energy to focus on me - to heal. I know it hurts him to see me in so much pain. I talk to him about it often. Maybe that's payment enough....for now. Maybe the price he ends up paying won't be up to me. The universe is a funny place - who knows how this will end up.

Despite everything, I still love this man more than I've loved any other. We've made a huge mess out of our marriage - and it took us 7 years to figure that out. 7 years....the marriage counselor we were seeing the first time said that it's very common for couples to have trouble around the 7 year mark. I thought we had gotten through the worst of it. Never in a million years did I imagine I'd be dealing with this. I suspected it for quite some time, but thought I was just being insecure as usual. Never again will I be so arrogant as to think J or I are above cheating. I was a fool. We all have basic emotional needs that need to be met by our spouses. When they aren't being met, we'll search elsewhere. Most of the time it doesn't even happen consciously, we just become attracted to someone, maybe start confiding in them. Or they stroke our ego and give us attention our spouse doesn't. This is what happened with J. It doesn't make his choice right, but I inadvertently backed him into that corner. He talked to me - a lot. I couldn't hear him. I didn't want to hear him. I was expending so much energy trying to be a "good" wife I literally had nothing more to give. I was resentful that he dared ask anything else of me. I realize now that was the wrong attitude to have. It was taxing to me, to our marriage, and our beautiful boys. Believe it or not, being who I am takes much less energy. I have more to give to J and still have plenty left over for me. I'm drained with all we have going on, but I still have reserves left over. At least right now. Yesterday I begged God to please let me die because I couldn't take the pain anymore. I haven't been in that place for many years. I hate that place. It scares me.

Yesterday was a release for me. Kind of like a pressure cooker - it builds up and needs a release. Sometimes I liken it to a deep wound - it needs to heal from the inside out, and the process is long.

I feel more hopeful right now. The pain is less palpable, though still there. I feel stronger and more confident that we can work through this. He's apologized about a million times, told me he loves me a million more than that. My gut tells me to believe him. I do. He's trying really hard. He hurts too, I can see it. Deep regret, sorrow....maybe some grief of his own. He's a man though - not real expressive with his emotions beyond just a few words. But I see it in his eyes when he looks at me. He feels terrible.

Please God, let us make it through this.