BOOM

I've been through many years of therapy in my adult life, and it's been tremendously beneficial. I went from being debilitated by severe depression (and suicidal), highly anxious and taking medications, to being able to wean off medications, hold a job for several years, meet and marry a man, have children - all the things I dreamed of but thought weren't in the cards for me. I worked extremely hard. Can I say that again? I worked extremely hard. I always wanted to be who I am today, but seriously doubted it was a possibility. I was forced to cut my parents out of my life so I could become this new, healthy person. I prided myself on being a rational, reasonable person most of the time. I'll admit I can get easily irritated over small stuff, I am Irish after all, lol. But I get over the small stuff quickly. I rarely get truly angry, but when I do, it ain't pretty. I'm pretty tolerant of the people I love most (probably to a fault), and I take a lot of crap for a long time. It slowly builds up, and when I've had enough - KABOOM. Huge explosion. No turning back. Not to the point of violence or anything like that, but you definitely know I'm at the end of my rope at this point.

While I was waiting for him we were texting. He revealed their relationship (over text) was sexual - they were having cyber sex. I felt like somebody punched me in the stomach. He said they never had phone sex, but they had been together since late last year. Here it was July, so this was going on for close to a year. My head spun. I went into shock, I think. I completely lost it - fell down on the floor and sobbed uncontrollably, curled up in a fetal position. "OH MY GOD!!!!!!" I screamed...."NO NO NO PLEASE GOD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!" I was frantic....I wanted to run. I knew this journey had only begun, and I needed to get some semblance of control before J came home. I couldn't decide if I wanted to kick him out, let him stay....I begged God for guidance. I was terrified, grief-stricken. I don't consider myself especially religious, but I do believe in God and have a relationship with Him.

J came home. I glared at him. "So?" he nervously said. "'SO?!"' I repeated. "Is that all you f*ing have to say is 'so?' ?!" He sat down and didn't say anything. I proceeded to scream at him for the next hour. I mean literally scream. Jugular veins standing out, beet red-in-the-face, spitting, screamed at him. I honestly can't remember the last time I was so enraged. It's certainly never happened in the nearly 8 years we've been together. I called him (and her) every filthy name in the book. I pummeled him with questions. How could you do this to me? Why her? Did you sleep with her? Are you in love with her? All the typical questions you'd expect. Then my instincts took over. I didn't really actively decide this. Call it divine intervention, stupidity, whatever. But in the moment, I decided I didn't want him to leave. I told him he was going to call her in front of me and end it. He was shocked and resisted at first. I told him "then you can pack your sh*t and get the f*ck out RIGHT NOW." He looked up at me and blinked. I said "I'm serious - you call her right this minute and end it or you can get the f*ck out." He called her. Then I told him if he ever did anything remotely similar to this again, I would divorce him so fast his head would spin, I'd sue him for full custody of our boys, as well as support, and I'd f*ck up his masonic career. I think he nearly pissed his pants then. I kind of laugh at that now - I kind of went ghetto on him. My emotions took complete control of my mouth and kept my normally rational brain out of the loop.

When I was done, he apologized. Said that he didn't want our marriage to end. He said he was stunned at seeing so much passion from me, because it had never happened before. Then he said "Well, it's nice to finally see some passion out of you. Right now you are sexier than ever and I am so totally turned on by all this passion." I had calmed down significantly but glared at him and said "WTF is the matter with you?" He kind of chuckled and said "I don't know." He came to give me a hug, I gave him a half-hearted slap across the face and said "I f*cking hate you." He said "I know...I am so sorry....I love you and have never stopped."