The Day My World Turned Upside Down

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

I got to work a little early. My mouth was dry. My heart thundering in my chest. My brain in a fog. The voice in my brain kept whispering "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God...." as I walked towards my building. I knew. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I knew. I kept praying I was wrong. Kept begging God in my mind that there was an innocent explanation. But I did know.

I logged into my computer, re-analyzed Sherry's MySpace. Her profile said she's from Florida. Hmmmm....that didn't make sense. J has done some traveling but not to Florida. How does he know her?? She claims to be in a relationship. I wanted so bad for this connection to be innocent. So bad. I kept going back to that possibility, trying to force that puzzle piece to fit. No matter how hard I tried to pound it in, it just didn't fit. I created a MySpace account - no random mysterious people popping up to be my friend. I had to create a password to even start my account. So I knew he knew Sherry before even starting his MySpace account. Even then, I told my friend "if there's ANY possibility I'm looking at this wrong and this could be innocent, PLEASE tell me." She couldn't think of any. Guilty. I knew. I was in shock. I angrily texted J - told him I knew he was lying, demanded to know how he knew this woman. Did he sleep with her? After a while he texted me back and confessed. She was dating a fellow mason who lives in Texas. He came to town and attended a lodge meeting. He and J clicked and decided to go out to the bar afterwards, he brought Sherry with him. J felt he "clicked" more with Sherry and has seen her a couple times. He said he was talking with her about our problems, and that it felt good to talk with someone who understood and comforted him. They were talking and she suggested the MySpace to keep in touch. No regrets. This later turned out to be a lie - their relationship was sexually-oriented pretty much from the beginning. He says they only texted and she sent him a nude picture once, my gut tells me they had phone sex too. He claims to not recall that.

I was a mess. I thought I was going to vomit. I couldn't concentrate, kept making mistakes at work. My anxiety level was through the roof. I was furious beyond belief and I couldn't see straight. I had to go home to figure the rest of this out. I told my boss I wasn't feeling well, and went home. I got onto our cell provider's web page and analyzed J's call record. There was a number I didn't recognize. I looked up the area code - Las Vegas. I was even more puzzled. I know he doesn't know anybody that lives in Las Vegas. I checked her MySpace again - I made the connection based on her MySpace nickname. I decided to check on this strange number. I called the number listed - would it be her? If so, I had some questions for this woman! How does she know my husband? Who is she? Why are they calling each other?? My hands were sweaty and my mind raced at the thought of the conversation we were about to have. No answer. Voicemail picked up. "Hi this is Sherry, leave a message." I dropped my phone and screamed a little. OH MY GOD!!! My hands were shaking so bad now I couldn't hold onto anything. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest I thought it would burst through my chest wall. I paced. My mind raced. OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod....what have I just discovered??? I burst into tears. Wait. I had to try to stay calm - I needed the full picture. I called my cell provider to see if I could get text message records. Online they provide records of phone numbers of sent & received texts, but not context. They taught me how to find them. I called her again (about an hour and a half had passed). She changed her voicemail message. She knew it was me. She knew. Again I didn't leave a message. I started printing out phone records. Contemplated how to kill my husband (not seriously kill him, but you get the picture). Then I texted her. I figured their relationship had been sexual, but didn't know for sure. I told her that I knew she had been in contact with him, and that their relationship could destroy our marriage and impact our two boys' lives forever. I asked her, woman to woman, to end the relationship. I got no response. I waited for J to come home.